It's your cousin here.
You remember me, don't you? Descendant of your great uncle Esav? Wearer of the original funny three pointed hat? Founder of the "hang 'em high" school of discipline?
Yeah, it's me. Haman.
I know, it's kinda awkward me reaching out to you like this. I wouldn't do it if it weren't serious.
But it is serious. I'm in big trouble. And I need your help.
I'm gonna lay it out on the line. The problem is your friend, Shaul Behr. Or maybe he's your relative or associate or whatever; it doesn't matter. He's causing me no end of trouble.
You know, all my life has been dedicated to causing misery for the Jews. When I don't have the power to attack them physically, I set them against each other and get them to bicker and fight among themselves. Mefuzar um'forad, as the Megilla puts it, you know.
And now, this... this Behr guy is going out and raising funds for - get this! - not one, but two causes that are setting back my work by decades, if not centuries!
First, he's raising funds for the new building for Kehillas Shivtei Yeshurun (http://bit.ly/jjcf-ksy-dedications). My heart breaks just thinking about it. These people are building a community that honors and respects everyone, not just people who look, talk and think like them! Can you credit that? I mean, what happened to the good old way of judging people by what kind of kippa they wear? How's a guy supposed to work up a good head of self-righteousness if he can't feel holier than the guy who looks less frum than him? As if Ramat Beit Shemesh needs people who are interested in Shalom. Sigh. This bunch of losers - just interested in spirituality, and coming closer to God... I tell you, it's enough to make you wish for a chamber pot on your head.
And if that weren't enough - this Behr nut-job is going out and, instead of wearing the king's clothes and parading around on a horse, he's wearing a dri-fit shirt and running the Jerusalem half marathon with Team Lemaan Achai! You know, Lemaan Achai - those goody-two-shoes Yids, who waste their time helping people break out of the poverty cycle, instead of living it up themselves and quaffing aged wine? (Hey, I like that word, "quaffing". New Yuwarkers quaff quaffee. I quaff wine. But I digress...) I don't get it. I just don't get it. If you have money, isn't it obvious you should use it on yourself? Why waste it on people who're hard up - that's their problem! But these Lemaan Achai people just keep on going, and do you know, with all these services they offer, like financial counseling, professional retraining, mentoring programs for youth, a free dental clinic, and who knows what else - in a year they can get up to 25% of the people they support to be self-sufficient! Now, how is that good for everything I stand for, I ask you?
So you get the picture. And here's where I need your help.
Your buddy Shaul is going to come to you, and ask you to donate to one or both of these causes.
Whatever you do, do not donate to the new KSY building (http://bit.ly/jjcf-ksy-dedications).
And don't sponsor him to run on Team Lemaan Achai.
Please. I'm hurting. These people are undoing my legacy. Just the thought makes me want to hang myself on a gallows 50 amos high.
It's time to #MakeAmalekGreatAgain
See you at megilla - and please, have the decency not to make such a noise every time they say my name!
A freilichen Purim!
Your sworn enemy,
*H/t to MyZmanim.com
Graham Behr $30
Steven Gittleson ₪200
Randy Crohn $36
שמואל טרקו ₪100
David Saidoff $72
howard fabian ₪200